I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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