Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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