Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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