Swine flu. Run for my life!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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