Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
