I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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