At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
