If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
