at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
