I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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