i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
