dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
