He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
