Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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