So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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