How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
