just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
