I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
