bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
