I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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