I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
