I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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