Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
