Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
sex in a hospital.. check
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
