party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize