I cannot find my penis.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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