**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
