Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
