Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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