When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
