my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
