Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
