I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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