You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
