found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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