at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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