Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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