I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize