omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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