Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
