Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
