Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
