Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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