There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have aggressive nipples.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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