ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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