You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
