Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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