I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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