Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
