So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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