If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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