he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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