Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
