The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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