there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
