It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
