yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
