I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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