Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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