I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
