I'm gonna have a badass scar
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
