Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
