I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
