would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
