The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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